Nitrous Slut

The nitrous goes in and I feel it in my molars first then behind my eyes then in my cunt which has nothing to do with dentistry. I make a school out of insects and teach them about rape culture and gender norms. The beetles take notes. The moths keep flying into the projector light, I let them.

We’re in the arcade. You hover over me at the claw machine. My heart stops. My cheeks go red. My legs start shaking. I’ve had two glasses of wine for this. It made it worse. Your hands are over mine and my brain drops to my clit. I keep putting coins in. I keep looking at the male nurse by the exit. I think about asking him something I shouldn’t. I’m in here because I want to hurt my own soul, not anyone else’s. I think that’s a distinction that matters. I’m not sure anyone else thinks so.

I'm a slut only for you and I hate it a little. My body decided without me.

The dental nurse has cold hands and says open wider and I open wider. Beauvoir said you become what you're seen as before you get to be anything else. I'm under the light with my mouth full of someone else's fingers and I think about this seriously for a moment and then I think about you and Beauvoir loses. There is something about a person rooting around in your rot and not leaving. The tooth came out in three pieces. That felt personal.

I am an existential nihilist who wakes up grateful. The gas makes this easier to hold.

Girls don't like me and when they do we press our faces together to feel it better. I throw my love across mountains of cocaine and it hits me in the mouth every time.

The nurse asks if I can feel that.

I can feel everything. That's always been the problem.

I have never once finished a sentence in a room full of men. I finish other things. But not sentences.

He is rotting in a life that doesn't fit him and I watch and I fuck him and I hand him cigarettes. Beauvoir in my head again. Real love means wanting someone's freedom even when you have no idea what that looks like or where it lives or if it would include you. I want his freedom so bad it sits in my chest like a second set of teeth. I bring him my body. I bring him everything I have which turns out to not be the thing he needs which is fine. I'm fine.

When my period comes I chain smoke. I sit on the bathroom floor and let the tears drip down my legs and draw broken hearts with my fingers. He fucks me when I'm bleeding and I don't know what to do with a man that sweet except keep bleeding. The blood comes and so does all the love I've been storing in my back teeth. That's when I love you the most. When I'm red, shaking and completely out of arguments.

On the way home I fuck you in the car. You ask if I'm okay. I say I can feel everything. You think I mean you.

The nitrous wears off. I'm still in the chair.

The beetles never left.

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